Anticipation as anti-participation & resistance disguised as hope.

My parents are away and I made the trek to hang out with my Nanna for 5 days who lives next door to them and needs someone around now.
 
The last time I stayed in Kingston I had my heart and mind blown open as I walked along the shores of Lake Ontario.
 
Again, I set out for a walk along the edge of that great body of water. I felt the tugging of hopeful anticipation that I would find myself again in a state of ecstatic bliss.
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I reached the lake and it felt kind of… usual. A semi-cloudy winter day, kind of… grey. In fact, I actually felt kind of irritated by the experience of tension in my body from being around Nanna’s patterns of “helpful control” and micro-management. My stomach was upset, probably from something my Nanna had put in my food, because she wasn’t listening to me, I thought.
 
I didn’t want to be having these thoughts and feelings about my Nanna. I realized that I was grasping onto the hope or anticipation that Lake Ontario would transport me back to my previously enlightened experience and out of my currently encumbered experience.
 
It wasn’t working at all.
 
I decided to just be with it. The irritation, the judgmental thoughts, the upset tummy, the general sense of dissatisfaction and blah. As I let go of the need to be more or different than what I was, I felt a soft loving of my self experiencing all this. Even a loving of the discomfort. Paradoxically, I sensed how I wasn’t all that. I felt a deep sense of calm and quiet amusement, and even delight as I picked my way over the rocks.
 
At this point, my friend Keith joined me by phone and I told him what I have just told you. Keith shared my delight, and it reverberated in the space between us, magnifying.
 
I felt incredibly present. The open space that a few minutes before was just being a lake and a sky, now made me stop and look long and deep into its expansive reflective eye.
 
In that space, I remembered seeing myself anticipating my Nanna would say this or do that. Sometimes I was right and sometimes I was not. Either way, my body would tense up with the anticipation. It had been exhausting! Walking around with my trigger cocked and ready, no doubt she felt it. Our energy-bodies locked in battle, stress and fear.
 
And in that space, I noticed that I noticed, and I could choose.
 
I would choose love.
 
I breathed a smile and let that go too. I returned to the somatic logic of my body making its way along the icy shore. Lots of pauses, patience and small steps on the slippery stones.
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One Response to Anticipation as anti-participation & resistance disguised as hope.

  1. Lily Lanczi says:

    Love this Tanya! Just perfect for me at this moment coming home from my mother’s place and feeling depleted.

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